A Journey of forgiveness

Last Wednesday night I did something atypical. I attended mid-week service. Although I love the “bible study” setting of mid-week service, we are typically busy with sports and my 2 year old goes to bed around 8:00p.m., so I don’t. For some reason, I felt a tug to attend. My Pastor, who is God led, spoke on a continuing sermon of 2 Samuel. He touched on bitterness. Now, some don’t like messages on Hell, others tithing, mine is bitterness. I get defensive and tune out the message. “They don’t know my story” I tell myself, “They would understand that my bitterness is okay, so this message isn’t for me.” Par for me, I told myself just that. Who would have thought I would began a marathon journey of the scriptures to an awakening of the ugliness I had become and the beauty God is waiting to unveil. Since moving here in mid-June, my marriage hasn’t been good. We were at odds it seemed all the time. Our marriage has struggled and has had its seasons of rockiness, but I was rapidly tiring of this. I wrote my Pastor and told him of my problem with bitterness, but in reality, I wasn’t looking for advice, I was looking for justification, to be told, it’s understandable. I didn’t get that, instead I got an interesting point to ponder. “I would say if it were me and I was known to act sinfully and blame my actions on my past- then yes I am in sin. The way that I behave is my choice; I have the Spirit of God in me who is able to convict me of my personal sin. So I guess if you are sensing conviction, then respond to God properly.” Thus began my spiral into my past once again. I am a military wife. The life fits me so perfectly. I am never in one place for more than 3 years so I have that “excuse” for not making friendships. I am friendly, but did not want anyone close, lest they knew me and would reject me. 6 years ago all the hurt from my past came to a head. I came so close to never watching my children grow up or experiencing the joy of my 2 year old son. After the painful situation we moved to Albuquerque. Did God know what He was doing with me! I learned so much there and began a new relationship with God. Prayers were answered (and still are) and I saw a merciful God. Things started looking up for me, yet I still harbored so much bitterness and the target of that, my husband. I constantly justify my attitude towards him. Now, I am not a bad wife, actually, in terms of keeping house, cooking, and maintaining a home, I am tops and I repeatedly told my husband that, somehow pointing out to him how lucky he was. Yet, in reality, I couldn’t love my husband, not totally. I gave him only an inch and when he messed up, that was it! He walked a tight rope with me and was given little chance to mess up. I did not forgive him – ever, only documenting in my mind every mistake in order to prove he didn’t love me. This was a vicious cycle as he began closing off to me as I did to him. I would say I love him, and really, I couldn’t imagine my life without him, but would never tell him that! Why would I give him that so he could leave me and cause unimaginable hurt? Much better to build a wall so if he did hurt me, I would be prepared. But the wall was sin. I decided to study bitterness and in my studies I found a link between bitterness and *gasp*… PRIDE. Not me, I am not a prideful person!! Oh yes I found, I was. It was pride that I hang on to all the pain of my past. It was entitlement. It wasn’t God. I wore it like a badge to defend my actions. I know to “Cast all my cares on Him for He cares for me,” but not this care, not the care of my hurtful childhood, it is mine, letting it go would be like saying it was okay, like God couldn’t do right by this hurt, only I could. No, letting it go would be trusting God. Letting it go also means I no longer have an excuse to treat my husband like I do. That’s tough. Before destruction is Pride and my entitlement, my pride, was going to destroy me and my family, the very ones I love so deeply. This was painful to come face to face with. So in my study of Pride and Bitterness, I found Obadiah. Anyone read Obadiah? Ob 1:3-4 “you are proud because you live in a rock fortress and make your home high in the mountains. `Who can ever reach us way up here?' you ask boastfully. Don't fool yourselves!
Though you soar as high as eagles and build your nest among the stars, I will bring you crashing down. I, the LORD, have spoken!”
A Rock Fortress – I had built one around my heart.
Acts 8:23 - For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin."
And here's the list of sins which the Lord says can either result in bitterness, can be closely related to bitterness, or are sometimes the same as bitterness: pride, unyielding, lack of forgiveness, self-righteousness, lack of faith, lack of trust, desire for revenge, resistance to the Lord's love, and doubting God and His Word. But, I love the Lord! Yet, harboring unforgiveness, bitterness, is telling God you don’t trust Him. And I am sure that brings great pain to Him. I certainly don’t want my Savior to think I don’t trust Him. Joy is a state of rejoicing based on knowing that God is everything He claims to be and that He can do what He has promised. Inner happiness is the joy of living where every provision for physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being is being made by God in the life of a Christian who is walking in daily fellowship with Him. Abiding. Abide in Him and His Words and my prayers will be answered, because my will becomes what His will is. Abiding. This is the key for me. For when I fall into the spiral of self-pity and bitterness, it is because I have not been diligent in my studies and my prayer life. It becomes routine, but I am not abiding. This study time has opened my eyes to who I am and it isn’t pretty. Yes, wrongs were done to me, but I am not entitled to hang onto that unforgiveness, allow it to fester to bitterness, allow my heart to fill with self-pity and close off anyone who loves me, including my God! Sometimes my walk will become a crawl, but I chose to trust even when it is hard and total use of my faith. The choice is mine. God gives us free will. I choose to bear the fruits of Him and of a life in Him, a life in the fullness of God rather than bear the fruits of bitterness and unforgiveness and it is ONLY through Him that this can be accomplished. My Pastor who initiated my trip to awareness of the damage my pride and bitterness have and will cause if I don’t deal with it is big on reading ahead for the next service. I did. Ahithophel, who was part of the topic, who seemingly had bitterness, hanged himself. Bitterness. I give it to God and though his strength – forever…..by abiding, remaining with my Father.
Matt 13:15: (NIV)
For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.
I love how the Message Bible puts this verse:
That's why I tell stories: to create readiness, to nudge the people toward receptive insight. In their present state they can stare till doomsday and not see it, listen till they're blue in the face and not get it. I don't want Isaiah's forecast repeated all over again:

Your ears are open but you don't hear a thing.
Your eyes are awake but you don't see a thing.
The people are blockheads!
They stick their fingers in their ears
so they won't have to listen;
They screw their eyes shut
so they won't have to look,
so they won't have to deal with me face-to-face
and let me heal them.